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How to Prevent a Carjacking, Soothe Sunburn, Eat Junk Food, Feed Kitty and Do Without Toilet Paper: The 6-Step Plan

Photo c/o foolish girls Flickr.

The world is in a state of chaos. Yeah, yeah, this could be misconstrued as  completely unsubstantiated opinion, but finer inspection yields sufficient evidence to support such bias. A reality star famous for saying “you’re fired” is POTUS, polar ice caps are melting (ahem…some would argue otherwise, but scientists shall be taken seriously for the purpose of this blog), North Korea (or Russia) may be preparing themselves for the beginning stages of WWIII and in 2016 the Chicago Cubs won the World Series. No one really knows what the hell is going on, and insecurity breeds incongruous human behavior. Bottom line…people are crazy, or desperate, or both; and crazy desperate people do things like steal cars. Clearly, getting carjacked is not an ideal situation and should be avoided, especially if you need that car to do things like work, eat, or run from angry apocalyptic prophets who think the Mayan calendar was just a few years off. Those crazy Mayans.

Avoidance of sunburn is Step 1 in carjack prevention. Sunburns hurt. They will make you leave the comfort of your home during the wee morning hours in search of spray-mist meant to make you cool; which, by the way, you ceased being when you forewent SPF50 in lieu of super-dark tanning oil to impress the gents with your “exotic” look. Carjackers know where sunburnt people shop. They wait for such lost souls to zombie-walk out of late-night drugstores with their flip-flops and cooling spray mist. The unsuspecting victims just don’t have a chance, which brings up Step 2 of carjack prevention. Avoid 24-hour drugstores during the late-shift time slot.

Sure, 24-hour drugstores are convenient, and it’s easy to be dazzled by their signs offering 99-cent Coca Cola 2-liters, Friskies cat food and two-packs of toilet paper

Photo c/o Off the Grid News.

for $2.99, but 24-hour drugstores during late-shift are Mecca for carjackers who prey on sunburn victims. Of course, if you’re not a victim of sunburn then you have to look out for the other types of carjackers who prey on the late-night junk foodie, the late-night cat foodie and the ran-out-of-toilet paper girl, amongst others.

No one is really safe. For every late-night shopper, there is a carjacker lurking around the corner. So, wait until daylight. If you’re desperate, here are some alternatives:

  • Sunburn victims – mustard works in a pinch to cool the skin.
  • Junk-foodies – just stop eating! It’s two in the morning for Pete’s sake!
  • Cat-foodies – there’s an old can of tuna in your pantry. Kitty likes fish.
  • Ran-out-of-toilet-paper-girl – use your hand. It’s just this once, and no one will know but you.

Now, if you get to Step 3, it means you have ignored steps 1 and 2, and therefore, are putting your sunburnt self, your Reeses, your kitty and your bowels in jeopardy. There’s no going back now. You’re already in the store. So, remember not to park in front of a column or an other vertical object blocking the store clerk’s view of your parked car. This is a good practice in general. Columns hide things, big things, like trash bins and bears and carjackers. It’s good to see such things if they’re around, and it’s good for the store clerk to be able to see them too, so he can call the police if you get attacked by one.
Step 4 doesn’t apply to all persons, but for those it does, take heed. If you say goodnight to the store clerk and suggest that his evening “run smoothly” and “that nothing weird happen,” make certain before you speak, that you aren’t actually a prophet (angry-apocalyptic-mistaken-Mayan or otherwise) who is ignoring her calling. If you  are a prophet, then you should probably just avoid the situations altogether since you already know what’s going to happen. Quit denying your gift!

Photo c/o Josh Hunter Flickr.

Step 5, and possibly the most important, for preventing your car from being seriously jacked is to avoid leaving the store if you see a random rando with crazy-eye walking down the street. Yep, stay all night if necessary. It doesn’t matter if the person on the street is dressed in Armani with a Rolex watch. It’s the crazy eye that matters. Besides, why would crazy-eye-in-Armani be walking at 2 in the morning? Something’s not right. Stay in the store. Stay.

But, if you must go (which applies only if kitty is starving because sunburn takes weeks to heal, Reeses can be eaten while waiting and there’s a bathroom in the store, Step 6 is to have a plan of attack in case you are confronted in the parking lot. “Plan of attack” means you are a multiple degree black belt in a martial art or are willing to give up your keys and run, crying like a schoolgirl, back into the story as the thief drives away with your car. Seriously, Pansy, what did you expect to happen when you didn’t know jiu jitsu? Did you think Mr. Carjacker would apologize for his bad behavior, rainbows would form and unicorns would prance around him as he walked away? No, you asked for it. Stupidity deserves to be punished, and guess who’s wearing the stupid sign now?

With rapid negative changes occurring in many parts of the world, it only stands to reason that more people will continue to feel desperate and use drastic measures to change their circumstances. Being prepared to protect yourself and your property is valuable during this age in which we live. This is not advocacy for deadly weapons. It’s advocacy for intelligence and prevention. Even if the angry-apocalyptic-mistaken-Mayan-prophets you are running from turn out to be wrong, safety practices are always a good idea. With a few crime prevention strategies in place, carjacking can be avoided in all but the most extreme cases.

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