Having just completed the prerequisite, Mark took a swig and handed me the bottle of wine. Now it was my turn to tell something about myself that the others didn’t already know. I didn’t like this game called “Divulge and Drink.” It was just a stupid thing made up by actors hanging out post performance. Everyone else had come up with something cute, witty, simultaneously self-deprecating and self-promoting as a response. Now, all eyes were turned my way. I had nothing.
“You tell me,” I blurt out. “Tell me something I don’t know about myself.”
“I’m game,” Mark says in his queenly falsetto. “You hide.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“You hide yourself. You are honest and sweet, but you hide something. What is it you’re hiding?”
The gauntlet had been thrown. I knew exactly what he meant.
“I’m dark,” I say. “I put on a front of joviality because I’m really just morose.”
“Don’t undersell yourself. Without the darkness, we couldn’t see the light. You’re not dark with a ‘k’,” says Mark, “but darque with a ‘que.’ Own it.” Everyone laughs at his re-spelling. I think it’s because he’s gay and cute, but really it’s because he’s hit the bullseye about me.
“That’s you exactly! Darque with a ‘que,’” says Emmy. “Darque Duggins.”
I sigh a little and swig from the bottle.
“Girl stop, there is beauty in that darkness,” Mark insists.
Darque lives side-by-side with me but seldom shows herself. She lies beneath the surface just waiting to be freed. Her favorite song is “F*%k You” by Lily Allen. She is without inhibitions. She is who I would be if the world didn’t get in the way. Most importantly:
- She is drawn to the undercurrent because that’s where the truth lies
- She doesn’t “play dumb” or “play kind” when she knows she is right
- Her laugh is too loud in public and sometimes her conversations can be heard on the train—she doesn’t care.
- When teased too harshly she performs soft violence—punching a thigh, smacking a fatty cheek, pinching the fleshy inner of an arm
- Without a hint of awkwardness, she tells strangers that they have a nice ass, or abs, or eyes, or smile—gender is of no consequence
- She is the first one on the dance floor
- She travels everywhere, and peruses flea markets in all the places she visits
- As long as she has her books, dogs, candles and photographs, she can live anywhere—her preference would be an island beach house, travel van, London houseboat, or New York flat
- She loves completely and expects respect in return
- When confronted with misogyny, racism, sexism, or discrimination of any kind she speaks up, raising her voice to the point she cannot go unnoticed
- She makes no excuses and takes no crap
- She sees her own reflection without once thinking of her age or her imperfections
- She does pottery, and watercolor, and writes profound things
- She never ever apologizes for her talents and doesn’t feel intimidated by the talents of others
- She “knows things” about other people before she even speaks to them
- Feeling guilty isn’t part of her paradigm
- She doesn’t need others to tell her worth
“Feeling guilty isn’t part of her paradigm” — This is interesting… There are multiple ways one could read this. For me, guilt doesn’t come in to play with things like eating dessert or buying shoes, as it does with many people. Those are little indulgences and I’ve never understood feeling guilty about those kinds of things.
But when it comes to big things… Do I feel guilt?
I think I try to make decisions in such a way that I have nothing to feel guilty about. I make mistakes, of course — I’m human and that’s all part of learning throughout life — but when I recognize my mistakes, I try to right the wrong and, most importantly, I work to not make that mistake again.
I don’t feel guilt at all about treating myself. Maybe occasionally overindulging, but that is more discomfort than guilt. I feel guilt about things I shouldn’t, sadly. Putting boundaries on people makes me squirm. I think that might actually be them adding s*#t to my load so they get what they want. I’m working on all of it. Agreed, we just have to keep righting wrongs and trying to learn from our experiences.