Invisibility Encroaching

In my youth, like many young women, I wanted to be seen. My life was constant attention seeking. Even when I pretended I was not flirting or trying to pull focus to myself, I was. Women are constantly socialized that our value is in our beauty. And let’s be clear, this means youthful beauty. Even now, in 2021, as women are taught to love themselves and Me Too has demanded a voice and a place, there is still so much weight placed on our attractiveness. I recently had a doctor point out that there is a movement away for body-positivity, which was started by overweight black women to push back on social expectations, to a movement of body-neutrality because attractive, thin, white, young women had appropriated body-positivity for themselves.

As for me, I dreamed of fame, being an actress, finding a man who loved me, being able to do work that changed people like great films do for me, having enough money that I would not feel guilty for buying a pair of shoes, and wanting a platform to advocate for important things like equality, organics, healthcare, and more. But, let’s be honest here, my dreams of fame were also a way I felt I could prove to myself that I was beautiful. If other people saw it, then it must be true. I could chalk this up to low self-esteem, but I think it’s more than that. I definitely think it’s something we inadvertently teach both women and men.  

There is a cultural norm of beauty and when you don’t fit in it really feels bad. However, I want to address one area of this phenomenon—women who are aging. Recently, I have started to feel invisible. It’s not uncommon for women as they get older. In fact, it really impacts women’s social inclusion later in life. And yeah, some women have felt this way their entire lives. My heart goes out to them. Ultimately, this is a message about all women and what we’re taught.

 As I quickly approach being a half-century old later this year, I haven’t perfectly achieved all of my goals, but I’ve found ways to accommodate most of them. I act on stage. I have love both by a man and for myself finally. I don’t always have money, but if I want to buy myself a pair of shoes I no longer feel guilty for doing so. And I have created spaces and platforms to advocate for what matters to me, such as this blog. Basically, this is the best I’ve ever felt about myself personally and yet there is the matter of being seen. Sadly, the beauty thing has gotten worse. I realize that this may actually be very rooted in gender relations.

Having spent a lifetime seeking the attention of men, I no longer get that attention. I used to even get it when I didn’t want it. It was annoying, but better than not getting attention at all. Most men younger than me aren’t interested in women my age but neither are men my age.  Sure, there is the myth of the “cougar” but in truth she is the exception, not the rule. More and more, I can smile, try to start up a conversation, and get no reaction as men watch a younger woman pass by behind me. Please refrain from judging me. I don’t NEED this attention. I have my love (and by the way, he still gets female attention). However, unlike him, I’ve been trained to seek male attention as proof of my value. He has always been certain of his value.

When I go out dancing with friends, I want to dance, but my friends get asked on the floor (they are almost all decades younger). I’ve become a wallflower. I watch waiters hand younger women free drinks while they hand me the check. When I get dressed up, I like to be recognized for the effort, but often feel like I shouldn’t even have bothered. I hear men my age saying, “I still would,” implying they would still have sex with an older woman despite her age. Again, derogatory. It’s all wrapped up in sex. This doesn’t anger me. It just feels disappointing. It’s disappointing because I now realize how shallow it all is and how fragile, and maybe a little bit how younger women themselves aren’t seen for their very real talents. It’s as if the looks trump the talent until they don’t then we, as women, are expected to shift how we see ourselves. As a matter of reference, this is not as prevalent in other cultures. Some parts of the world revere older females and see them just as beautiful as they age. So, this may be a particularly American phenomenon.

All this being said, I see beauty differently now. For me, it is the glimmer in a mischievous eye, the wide smile of greeting for friend or lover, the lines around a mouth that has smiled often or around the eyes of someone who has loved and worried too much, the white hair that has progressed with time, the freckles and spots that show fun spent in the sun, the fingernails and skin on hands that tell the story of the jobs done or left undone that make a woman beautiful no matter her age. I have come to realize that a society that teaches men to value youth over all, and women to obsess over beauty instead of authenticity, dreams and talent is losing something in the process. Women of all ages, races, sexual orientations, weight, height, financial situations, etc. are stunning, talented, vocal, supremely intelligent, sexually exciting, progressive beings, and we should be shining light on that fact and teaching people to seek out souls that match theirs.

Here are some photos of women I think are stunning.

I am thinking of doing a series of photographs of my own showing off the beauty of “normal” women no matter their age. What are your thoughts about this?

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