Necrophiliac No More

Hey! You there. The one with the corpse.  Look around.  Do you see anyone else spending their time with dead weight?  Of course not.  There’s a reason for that.  Put a corpse in a button down and some H&M jeans and they look just like every other guy or girl on the street, nevermind that smell of decomposition (you get used to that after awhile).  It can be really hard to tell a corpse from their more alive and odiphorous counterpart.  They’re hiding in plain sight.  That’s why so many people start exciting new relationships, get past the honeymoon phase, and realize “oh crap, my baby isn’t just a little stiff, this is freaking rigor mortis.”  It happens to the best of us.  Heck, I’m a recovering necrophiliac myself.  But, you can save yourself from years of picking up the pieces…literally.  Here are 10 tips for recognizing that your companion is a keeper not a cadaver.

1. He/she  has a pulse.
2. He/she is warm.
3. He/she can hold a conversation with you without falling asleep…or apart.
4. When you ask for flowers, you get real ones, not dead funeral arrangements or plastic peonies.
5. His/her favorite television series is NOT Six Feet Under.
6. He/she has a job in something besides composting.
7. He/she has passion and drive, not worms.
8. He/she is willing to put you in the same class as his/her mummy (I couldn’t resist).
9. During sex he/she actually participates instead of just lying there with a cloudy vacant stare.
10. Being with him/her actually makes you feel lighter, not like you’re hauling around a carcass.

If you follow these tips,  you may slip a few times, but you’ll be on your way to differentiating between Don Juan and the departed.  Good luck and may the odds be ever in your favor.

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